Asking the Hard Questions

This is a story of a friend that I have grown to love and admire. I asked her if I could share this story knowing that it could help so many of us as we embark on adoption to make sure that our children and their birth families are protected in every way. Please read Charissa's story below and pray for their family!



"It is with great sadness and regret I announce that due to very difficult circumstances we will not be adopting the three children from Ethiopia that we committed to adopt.We hired Celebrate Children International (CCI) to facilitate our adoption. However, as time went on we became increasingly concerned and uneasy about the lack of answers we were getting, the defensiveness of the agency, and mostly, the fact that the agency was so heavily involved in the relinquishment process, when this is clearly a conflict of interest according to every other reputable agency we contacted.


We terminated our contract with CCI, hoping we could find some answers through a private investigation. We were able to find someone who could go to the orphanage personally to interview the children and their mothers. Our suspicions were confirmed by the mothers, CCI had approached these mothers and encouraged families to place their children for adoption to the United States. We have video of the director specifically telling the mother that she could easily find a new family for her child.


Other than the videos, we do not know what the mothers were told or whether they were offered anything in exchange, or why they didn't take the children back when they were offered them, but it was clear "our" three children are/were orphans as a direct result of an adoption agency recruiting and exploiting families and their children. We have been told the orphanage where the children have been residing has cut ties with CCI as well, stating they were also concerned about ethics that were being violated by the agency. The children are now listed with another more reputable agency. We feel peace knowing this new agency is now carefully investigating all the cases of the children at that orphanage who were previously listed with CCI.



It is my prayer that these investigations will result in the children being returned to their biological families.As you can imagine, this has been an extremely long and difficult three months for our entire family.CCI continues to practice in Ethiopia and will most likely continue these unethical practices. We have done what we can to report the evidence we have to the proper authorities, and the agency is now being investigated in Ethiopia and in Florida. Unfortunately when we called the state of Florida, we were told that there have been multiple complaints about CCI, many of them about similar unethical practices in Guatemala but there was little that can be done until Florida updates their laws to include international adoption. The US State Department can only challenge Hague accredited organizations. CCI was denied Hague accreditation and so they are exempt from US State Department scrutiny. There is a loophole that allows unethical and illegal activity to continue and it is explained in this article.We made the difficult decision to challenge our agency by asking them difficult questions. In doing so, we believe we have uncovered things that every adoptive family should be prepared to uncover.



Please pray with us that families can be restored, truth come to light, and that justice will be served. There are so many vulnerable children that are true orphans that do indeed need homes. We will always advocate adoption for those who truly need to be adopted. However, sadly, it has come to our attention that there is a great need for reform and accountability for those who profit from the adoption industry.


This adoption turned out much different than we prayed or imagined. We set out to do good by adopting a sweet little girl wearing a yellow dress, but we pray we have done a greater good by doing what we believe was the right thing to do. We are reminded that those kids were never 'our' kids, they were the Lord's all along. We have relinquished them back into His care, trusting that He will be their Defender, Protector, Father. I just thought you all should know. Thanks for your prayers and support. We are open to questions if you have any."



I will link their blog here in case you want to contact her for questions. May we all learn from the incredible questions that this family asked and decisions they made and may we all follow in their steps!

A Birth Mother's Thoughts

We are trying to think of way to not only encourage other families to adopt, but also give a positive voice to adoption. In this post we are trying to improve this journey for everyone involved by opening our eyes to what birth parents go through who choose to place there child for adoption.

We wanted to give a birth mother an opportunity to give us insight as to what they feel and experience during the process. Below is a snipit of Abbie's story.

"Adoption has so, so much potential. In my case, I grew up in an extremely abusive household. I've been beaten, battered, physically, emotionally and mentally tortured, my entire life from people who were "family". I have racist, prejudiced "family" who no matter where I've been or what I've done, they have bent over backwards to have a controlling interest and damming attitude, as no matter how great or how amazing, it was horrible and had to go. To find myself engaged, I was thrilled. To find myself pregnant with twins, I was horrified.

So was my fiancee. He ran.

When your not an abortion advocate, (i am pro-life but respect folks choices in life to leave it at that) You have to think the options are adoption or keeping the baby. My girls deserved better. My girls did not deserve to grow up where I had, even though I could provide for them. No, adoption seemed like such a great choice. Especially open adoption. So I walked in the door. Little did I know, my adoption, although not even started yet, was already horribly messy.

At 4.5 months I was completely turned away altogether by the only agency in my small town.
Because I hadnt given birth before.......I was turned away and told to come back at 6 months along, when I've accepted the idea that i'm really pregnant. I was measuring 34 weeks for a singleton with twins at the time.

At 6.5 months along, I wasn't allowed to look at certain profiles, because of the possibility of pre-term labor, which my agency defined as a "special need" Their reasoning? If I selected a multiple accepting family, but not a multiple accepting with special need family, I could severely detriment their mental state, and possibly inhibit their chance of a successful adoption because they were working with me at the time. Never was it mentioned that I could have to choose another family because the family I selected wasn't able to handle preemies, just what their concerns for the adoptive families were.......

This left me with 2 choices for in-state (the less horrifying of the court dates choice)
One was a family whose religion was LDS. I don't know enough about the religion nor could I find out enough information to see what their beliefs were, which scared me even more.

If you walk into my agency right now and you are 8 weeks pregnant but you have given birth before, whether you placed or not, my agency will bend over backwards for you. They will leave you alone in the confrence room with every profile in the building while they work on housing, and assistance for you. If you are white, it happens much much faster. If you have placed a child before, they will get you lunch and go pack you up out of whatever situation you were in to help you better yourself. You, have known and accepted the reality of pregnancy and giving birth.

However, if you've never given birth before, you may not walk in the building until you are 6.5 months along.

If you are carrying multiples you may only see profiles of special needs and multiple accepting families, unless there is a racial consideration, thereby limiting your profile choices to next to nil. You cannot contact a birthfamily nor will they be contacted on your behalf until you have come to 6 counseling sessions (to see if your serious about considering placement). So that narrows it down for most moms, looking at profiles at 7 months along. Depending on family interest, and some other factors, it may take a few weeks to get together to see if its a great match. IF, the match seems good at 7.5 months then you are a lucky one who gets about 2 months before birth to really get to know your chosen family.

But what about the ones who don't? What about friends like mine who chose their family 2 days before the birth for an "open adoption". They are giving their babies basically to strangers! In an effort to promote open adoptions nationwide, Im (gulp) suggesting a revolution.


Lets encourage adoptive families and most agencies to completely change their ways of thinking. This isn't clinical. It shouldn't be treated as a whose better situation. Adoption is an extremely hard but severely love driven choice, that isn't to be taken lightly, nor made quickly. A rushed decision doesn't lead to the best for any child, or any adoptive family either. Think about how much the adoptive family is missing without really knowing the woman who gave birth to their child. Remove the visiting and sharing pics, etc. for a minute. If you are adopting, think of what would happen if you go into a hospital and pick up a baby that they say is yours and you just walk away. Yes, you would have a baby. But that is all you would have. You dont know if everyone on both sides of his genetic heritage had environmentally induced
asthma from birth and they were on this or that medicine to survive. You dont know that when he is 4 and decides that peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches are the best things ever, that you dont need to throw up, he gets that from his birthmother.

Adoptive parents, just picture this. What would happen, if you KNEW who was giving birth to your child. What if whatever experience or events led you to choosing adoption, could be vicariously lived through one incredible woman who not only wants to share this with you, but has decided the best option for her child was to entrust you with his or her care? What if ( this is an example done by a friend) you, and she both kept a journal. You could be writing all sorts of things about what you do, your likes and dislikes, your plans for the future with your children, your feelings during this time, and then while she was reading that, and knowing that you were so breathlessly waiting for the chance to offer her child everything you had, she was filling you in on the details. Who has what diseases. That she recommends the baby get allergy tests at birth because both her and her brother spent time in the NICU with severe breathing problems before someone realized they were environmentally asthmatic, allergic to pollen and grass, and she would like the baby to not have to go through that, as well as you have the knowledge on whats ahead, to help you be better parents to this precious child. What if you decided to meet Tuesdays and Thursdays to talk about where life is taking you, what you both desire as far as communication after the birth. Do you want to be super close? If so, what does she want? The more time you have to talk about this before the birth, the better, more keepable plan you can have. This benefits all by making sure the plan is clear and concise to the best of your abilities. Doing so makes birthing a baby intended for adoption that much easier. That less of a stress on your birthmother. This just gives you that much more of an amazing chance, at an amazing relationship, with tons of love and support surrounding your adoption .

This is why im advocating that any birth mother should be able to talk with anyone at an adoption agency at any time. Im also advocating that adoptive families should open their eyes to the amazing possibilities of this experience. I believe, if you are brave enough, to accept talking to someone who may be interested in placing with you, from a very early start in the pregnancy, you will receive a reward, one day, when your child comes to you and thanks you, for being brave, keeping the lines of communication open, and completely understands the choice of placing him or her for adoption, and knows that all the people involved, put it all on the line, out of love, for them. "

This week....

This week - well if you have been blessed with children - this week is a fantastic week for you. You wake up every morning anticipating Sunday morning. When you will dawn your Sunday best, stroll into church with your children in their besties! You will stand when they ask the mother's to stand, and all the children will bring flowers, or sing a song for the mommies....But....

This week, someone is dreading this Sunday. They are dreading another year with no children. They are dreading heading to church, and are considering missing just this one sunday. This week, a birthmom is considering skipping church, because the thought of empty arms and no baby is just too much for her to stomach this year. But these people will probably go to church, hang their head when the moment comes and swallow back the tears that are all too familiar.

If this is you....know our prayers are with you. We have felt the pain of not being mothers or having empty arms. All three of us have been in that pew at one point in our lives. I know we are not there now, but we are familiar with the pain.

Today - we are asking for your thoughts....for healing for these women - the barren, the birth mom, the childless, those simply seeking adoption....e-mail us so we can post your thoughts to them. Or post them as a comment and we will repost them for mother's day....

And here's a little something for all of us as we have been in this place in our lives.

Wait

By Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .

And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,

As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love

When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

The other perspective

It's Molly again.



I know, I know...you can't wait to hear from Kim.

Me too! But, we're going to make you wait just a bit for the really good writing!

On my family blog I got a heart-wrenching comment from a birth mother when I wrote about our desires to change the law. It's consumed my mind ever since I read it.

I quickly deleted the comment because I could tell that I had not really communicated well about what we were wanting to do with the law. When this birth mother read it, it was as if we were trying to do something for adoptive parents and something that might coerce birth parents.

In fact, there has been some misunderstanding from agencies as well as other birth mothers. So, I've had to slow down and explain what we are actually doing in only adding to the birth mothers options, not taking anything away from the current law.

I was blessed to have had several "discussions" with this birth mother through email and we were able to share our hearts, our fears, our hurts, and our struggles from both sides. What I wouldn't give to be able to actually meet this incredible woman and thank her for her bravery to speak up for birth mothers everywhere.

So, I thought since I have learned so much from this mother...and that several of you may have never been through adoption, maybe you could learn from her as well.

Every birth parent's situation is very different as to why they are choosing placement. And just like all of us, they process and deal with pain, grief, and loss differently. There is no way that one option is going to work for every birth parent. That is why we feel like giving the option to relinquish in the hospital (or at an agency) would be beneficial to some birth mothers, maybe not all, but some.

This mother, and other birthmothers we have spoken to, agreed that court is devastating and said she thinks there are birth mothers who do back out because of it. She said the only way she survived it was because of the support of the adoptive parents at that time. She knew it was in the interest of the child, and it was not about her at that moment.


This birth mother pointed out to me that there can be a lot of unspoken (and spoken) pressure on the birth parents by some agencies or attorneys. There are actually more agencies and attorneys out there than we would like to believe that see adoption as money and as a transaction. Her fear (and now mine) is that some might use this new law to coerce women into placing their baby, "sign now or it's too late" kind of thing. She has heard of situations in which adoptive parents were hovering until the birth mother signed.


In talking with some agencies, they have the same concern...that this law change might actually end up allowing more of these tragedies to occur. This my dear friends is why our state has hesitated to change the law. How do we protect both the birth parents from being pushed into something they are unsure about and at the same time protect adoptive families from losing children we'd been picked for? One thing that we have written in the law is that this relinquishment in the hospital can only be done by a licensed agency or DHS. There is no way an attorney can have this done in the hospital or any place other than Court. We feel this is the best way we can deal with this particular issue.


This task is bigger than I imagined. As much as I am wondering what God has in store for this "project" and if the law should actually be changed, my heart can't help but wonder if it's right to not change the law because of some bullies out there?

Please pray for clarity in this and at the same time pray for birth parents to be led to agencies and attorneys that will truly show them love, mercy and grace. Placing a child for adoption is more painful than we could ever imagine and it requires much counseling and support to survive it. Because of my faith I want nothing more for these girls than to be shown the love of Christ, but not all (even Christian) agencies take on that mission.

This picture is of Cooper and his birthmom before she had been to court. You guys, I can't tell you the emotions this picture holds. It captures so well the struggle of a mother loving and grieving her child because she is choosing something more for him, she's choosing him over herself. The best part is...she agrees the law needs to be changed and that it would make it easier on most birth mothers. Have I told you how amazing this woman is?



Please pray with me over this law. Please pray with me for our agencies and attorneys so that we can continue to use adoption to glorify God and make the best out of an unplanned pregnancy. Pray that those agencies and attorneys that are not being honest, fair, and respectful will be reported, closed down and penalized.


Part of me fears writing all of this because it might scare some of you off. My dream is that in sifting through all of this together that more families open their homes and hearts to adoption. Adoption is biblical. What this birth mother pointed out to me is that all too often it looks nothing like what God had planned for it to be. It seems too often we hear the horror stories and get our focus off. We put our walls up and harden our hearts instead of trying to understand the "other side" and serve each other. We let fear drive us instead of God.



My heart has been burdened once again to simply pray about this and I beg you to do the same!

In Christ,

Molly